What Makes A Frog Cooperative?

StKildaFlaneur is no stranger to exotic food.  Hippo, giraffe, kuku, more species of deer than you can poke a stick at, ostrich, emu, crocodile, kangaroo, pigs ears, grasshoppers, witchity grubs and duck tongues.  The list goes on.  Not to mention the numerous delicacies enjoyed in China which allegedly "have no english name."

One creature that hadn't thus far made the list was the humble frog.  Whilst being happy to scoff snails by the bucket (as long as they are smothered in garlic butter - I draw the line at sashimi), there is something off-putting about frogs.  Perhaps its because they can usually be seen in the market either hopping around in a string bag with their friends and families, or freshly skinned highlighting their pink skeletomuscular systems ready for a dissection workshop in a biology class.

A Cute Girl, A Tower Of Beer And A Cow On A Spit

What else do you need for a good night out?

Nothing, it would seem judging by the popularity of a string of near identical restaurants side by side serving just that, a couple of streets back from the Phnom Phen riverfront.

Mid afternoon the beef carcases are hoisted onto spits above a barrel full of charcoal. In about 4 hours steaks will be served.

Passing by again, around 7.00pm things are in full swing.

A few hours later and things have taken a turn for the worse. Our Angkor girl is off her head, and our beast seems to have largely disappeared.

The Perils Of "The Pot"

The expats (or "Pot-Pats") as they are known hereabouts had gathered.  The venue The Rusty Keyhole, on the river next to the old bridge in Kampot, Cambodia.  The occassion - Rugby Union World Cup Final, New Zealand vs France.

As you'd expect, in a sleepy former French colonial town,  in this bar the supporters of Le Bleus had the numbers.  One of them had sacrificed much to the cause.  Moto accidents following the quarter and semi final win celebrations had resulted in an arm and leg respectively in plaster casts.  No one was sure whether he would survive another victory!

An all day happy hour was in effect and the mugs of ice cold Anchor beer at 3000 riel a glass were flowing. 

The game got underway and it was tight.  Outside storm clouds gathered.  The locals were wary.  They knew the risks.  Then the  rain started to fall.  Lights dimmed and fans slowed.  Power outages were par for the course in these parts.  Then as the rains pounded down even heavier the TV image froze and went to black.  A single line appeared on the screen - Signal is Scrambled.   Another hazard of Satellite TV.  WiFi was still up.  Someone found the commentary on their phone but the speaker was weak.  Three heads gathered together to listen in.  Five minutes later just before half time the signal was back.  No one had scored.  No damage done.

The second half got underway, it got even tighter.  Fifteen minutes to go and New Zealand up by the narrowed of margins 8-7.

Then our worst fears were realised.  Another even heavier squall hit - Signal scrambled again.  Heads went back to the smart phones.  Only one had the commentary.  Updates were relayed to the crowd.  A penalty to France.  Where? Everyone wanted to know.  The All Black 22.  A kick to touch.  Another penalty this time to New Zealand.  Another kick to touch.  Still the rains came down and the signal remained stubbornly scrambled.  Suddenly a squeal of joy.  Its all over.  The All Blacks had held on, and claimed the Webb Ellis Cup.

Now that it no longer matters, the rain eases.  Across the river the sun peeks through the clouds above the Bokor mountains.  The fishing fleet chugs downriver on the way out to sea for another nights fishing.  Its about  time to head out along the riverfront promenade to search out a bowl of bok l'hong, and perhaps another beer to watch the sun set behind the wonky old bridge.

As days go, it doesn't get much more exciting than this in The Pot.

Across the Fence - 30 Clicks From Nam

And there I was.  Not exactly where I was supposed to be.  Across the Fence.  Probably 30 clicks up river from Nam.  It was quiet.  Too quiet.  A breezy cloudless night.  Charlie nowhere to be seen.  Suddenly out of nowhere tracers light up the evening sky.

Must be time for another beer.

Surprising Smart Dr Fish?

Dr Fish are surprising smart.  Not only thickling, but absorbing and smothening as well.

Do yourself a favour and release your exhaustion and confused matter of you.

These fun loving flesh devouring creatures await your visit! 

Anchors Aweigh!

The end of another tough day on Serendipity Beach in Sihanouk Ville.

Perambulation Diem #25

Don't try this at home!

There must be a lot of expat wheelchair bound invalids in Koh Kong if Mr Han can afford to advertise in the prestigious Sihanoukville Advertiser!

Who ate all the Flag-Pies?

It was a big weekend in sport and entertainment. 

A fat old singer living off faded glories from 30 years ago received $500,000 for 12 minutes “work”  attempting to rev the crowd at the MCG into a frenzy before the start of the AFL Grand Final

Meatloaf Mumbling Incoherently



He got the gig as the pregame entertainment headliner  because back in 1977 his album Bat Out Of Hell was on high rotation on the cassette player in AFL Supremo Andrew Demitriou's Datsun 180B. 

For the 99,537 spectators at the MCG on Saturday they might have been forgiven for thinking the AFL had decided to tighten it's belt and save $499,000 by hiring a Meatloaf karaoke impersonator.  We know that didn't happen because that guy would have at least been able to sing!

StKildaFlaneur is all for a bit of nostalgia and we would like to add our voice to those demanding a return of Angry Anderson to belt out a rendition of Bound For Glory last heard in 1991.  More importantly the AFL should repurchase the iconic Batmobile which we have heard is available for a mere $7,000.

 

Check it out the link below.  Plenty of bemused participants including the legendary Deeks! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7J2madZVFA

We are unable to include a link to Meatloafs performance because due to the embarrasment of all concerned postings to Youtube are being taken down! 

A formerly fat slightly younger bloke once famous for eating all the pies (according to the Barmy Army) announced his engagement to a former exploding Fembot




Warnie - As We Knew And Loved Him



The man who once spent an entire tour of India eating nothing but baked beans and was often accused of eating all the pies is now more likely to be found sipping on a diet protein shake.  On Saturday the rumoured engagement of Shane Warne and Liz Hurley was confirmed.

Liz Visits Madame Tussauds

Warnie's also given up the smokes on the due to the risk of serious disfigurement if exposed to naked flame.

Finally the Australian people have a red headed leader they can admire and respect

Lingy - AFL Premiership Captain 2011



Whilst the Ranga in Canberra continues to suffer in the polls, the same can't be said of the number one Ranga down in Sleepy Hollow.  To learn why.  Read on! 

But....The Biggest News Of All Was The Demise Of The Flag-Pies!

cake·walk (k k wôk )

n.

1. Something easily accomplished: Oh the Premiership’s a cake-walk for good old Collingwood

AFL Grand Final 2011

Geelong 18.11 (119) defeated Collingwood 12.9 (81)

There's a lot that could be said.  StKildaFlaneur is however quite content to bask in the schadenfreude of the moment.

He Who Must Not Be Named

Masterchef Recap 4 August 2011

The final elimination.  Alana vs Kate.

We wonder who will fall at the final hurdle?  Matt tells us – “lose and that’s it.  The title will slip like soup through your fingers.”  We knew there was a good reason why someone invented the soup spoon.

Gary reminds us “it’s now or never.”

Then George raises the hyperbole to another level – “You have no idea what is about to hit you.  It is terrifying.”

It will be a Pressure Test.  Who is the guest chef?  We get some clues. The Resident Bad Guy.  The Sweet Assassin. 

Then he appears.  He Who Must Not Be Named.  Lord Voldemort?  No its Adriano Zumbo carrying a big gingerbread house with a smoking chimney.  A House of Horrors.  A Nightmare On Zumbo Street!  The toughest pressure test ever!

Alana wonders whether she should just curl into a fetal position and suck her thumb.  We already know Kate has her doubts.  She doesn’t know if she can beat Alana.

How tough is this challenge the judges ask Adriano.  He confirms it’s tougher than the crockenbouche, the macaroon tower and the V8 cake.  We wonder about this. After all it’s just a gingerbread house.  Mums make these every day.  My mum makes one every year for the grandkids (although I’m not sure she’s done too may isomalt windows) .

Who will have the fairytale ending?  We will know in four and a half hours time.

In a twist on a traditional Pressure Test the contestants can be creative and add their own elements.

Kate burns her gingerbread.  How did her oven get turned up to 250 degrees?  Fortunately she has time to make another batch.  She’s struggling today.  Her tangerine rock is not looking good.

Alana is working on her own jube.  A green apple jelly.  Could this give her the edge?

Kate is falling behind in the jube stakes.  She hasn’t got enough time to make Adriano’s roof tiles.  She hopes her chocolate freckles will get her some browny points.

Assembly is proving tricky.  Walls are crumbling and being fixed with tempered chocolate.  We suggest you don’t try this at home.

Another chestnut from Genius George – “it might just be a gingerbread house but will you walk through the front door into the grand finale?”

Time is almost up.  Kate sprinkles snow sugar on the roof of her house hoping to hide some cracks.

Against the odds we have two gingerbread houses to go to the judges.  Admittedly they are both somewhat derelict.  Perhaps a (cross programme promotion) challenge for The Renovators could follow?

Kate is not happy.  It’s not her finest hour.  We get some tears.   She thinks she didn’t cook very well.  It was not her day in the kitchen.  She thinks she’s done.

Kate is first up for judging.  It lacks the full variety of candy.  George gives his gingerbread a big sniff.  Gary pronounces the jubes delicious.   They agree the freckles were good.  Matt enjoys a beautiful bit of gingerbread.

Alana thinks she’s done enough to get to get to the finale.  She has lots of jellies but her roof is overcooked.  Her candies are brilliant but George thinks her creative green apple jelly is a bit dense (pots..kettles?).  Gary laments that the gingerbread can’t be eaten.

The judges sum up.  Kate’s house looked charming.  Her gingerbread was tasty but she had hardly any time to make lollies.  Alana had lots of jubes but a burnt gingerbread house.  How should the judges decide on this?

Kate wins.  It’s a big shock.  The judges decided hers was the house they would buy.  Lucky for Kate the grandkids weren’t judging.  The lollies would win every day of the week.

We end with another house of horrors as Alana returns home to a home full of Matt Preston impersonators.

Two more sleeps until the Finale.  We can hardly wait.

Three Contestants and a Three Hat Challenge

Masterchef Recap - 3 August 2011

And then there were three.  We find them drinking champagne and eating canapés to celebrate the demise of Dani.

Kate can’t believe we’re at this point – we’re so close!

The festivities are interrupted by a big man bearing three envelopes relating to either Entrée, Main or Desert. The contestants will decide who cooks what.  Not surprisingly both Kate and Alana want desert.  Michael is quick to bags the main.  Scissors, rock, paper will decide the desert – it’s Kate.  Alana will be cooking an entrée.

The challenge is explained.  Each must design a dish to be served at lunch at a Sydney Three Hat restaurant.

Each contestant is granted an audience with their executive chef to discuss their plans.  Kate is cooking desert at Quay.  She feels like she’s won already.  Michael is thinking about “winter on a plate” at Est, whilst Alana is told to report for service at 5am at Marque.

Kate arrives with a diagram of her dish.   There are lots of elements, which she spits out so rapidly it was impossible to note them all down.  We caught something about coffee.

Alana is doing a cold smoked citrus tuna.  She starts with the biggest piece of tuna we have ever seen, and under guidance from the sous chef proceeds to make it into a much smaller piece of tuna and roll it in gladwrap after putting in a cold oven for five minutes with a plate of burning kindling.

Michael plans roasted venison with beetroot done two ways and pear.

We learn Kate is doing ice-cream with her coffee desert.

Meanwhile Alana has some Jamon ham which she is putting through a dehydrator.  Kate has found some gadgets of her own.  She is blowtorching her jelly and has found an industrial juicer.  Looks like there might be a few more must have gadgets for wannabe Masterchef’s this Christmas.  What are the chances of a Masterchef branded dehydrator we wonder?

The dishes are wondrously complex.  It looks like the final three have really stepped up a level.  We however wonder how much off camera assistance they are receiving.  Soon enough they get some on camera help as well.  Gary is dipping his fingers into Michael’s sauces.  He can’t taste the juniper and the puree looks a bit thin.  Michael feels “a bit thrown” by this.

Alana is experimenting with garnishes.  She feels like she is out of her depth.  George comes to her aid and helps by scoffing some tuna.  He can’t detect much smokiness.

Kate is in a “good place” (although not as good as the tables out the front with the view of the Opera House).  She’s completed three major elements but still has three minor elements to go.  George stops by.  He thinks the jelly is a bit cloudy.  The coffee biscuit crumbs taste of biscuit.  Not coffee.

Michael is running late.  Peter Doyle is not happy.  He’s also feeling really out of his depth.

Alana’s tuna has been cut unevenly.  More disturbingly her chef opines that her hazelnut vinaigrette looks a bit vomit like.  Her tuna also needs more smoking.

Kate is not sure whether she will be able to pull this off.  Her jelly is not only cloudy but yellow instead of the desired orange.  Peter Gilmore suggests she try again with orange blossom.

Michael thins his sauce and is happy he’s on the right track.

Alana meanwhile has found some truffles in the pantry and is thinking of a truffle vinaigrette.  It’s pretty acidic, she’s not sure how to repair it.  Instead she’s told to start again.  After all it’s only truffles.

Kate’s second batch of coffee biscuits still taste of biscuit.  Peter Gilmore comes to the rescue with two quadruple expresso’s for the next attempt.

Alana is struggling with her knife skills in cutting the tuna.  The ever helpful George advises her to “calm down, and get motoring.”

Michael is now worried that Peter Doyle doesn’t like his dish.  He’s worried his boat is about to sink.”  We think at this point he has enough to worry about with his cooking without worrying about his yacht.  Fortunately Peter is now much happier than he was a few minutes ago.  He thinks it’s nice.

Guests arrive and our three contestants plating up is under the microscope.  Fortunately they manage to get their dishes through the pass.

The dishes will be judged by Matt Preston and the editors of the SMH Good Food Guide. 

Alana’s entrée is first.  She has to set the bar high so Kate and Michael can’t step over it.  The judges like the shine on the tuna.  This is special talking tuna.  The dish says “springtime.”  But it is a lazy dish.  Not every flavour on the plate is working for it’s living.  But they conclude for an amateur cook it’s unbelievable.

Michael’s venison is next.  The contrast of well cooked and crunchy vegies provides little surprises all the time.  The meat is beautifully cooked but the judges question the walnut puree.  Perhaps not the perfect counterpoint?  Nevertheless the dish is adjudged as tasting like it belongs and worthy of being on the table in Est.

The judges are intrigued by Kate’s desert description – “Coffee & Cadamom.  Perhaps she couldn’t remember that long list of elements either. It has a lightness of flavour but plenty of it.  The sticky crumb biscuit is good.  The texture is good.  The figs are an inspired crowning moment but the smoothness of the ice-cream is the hero of the dish.   The judges sound pretty impressed, but still Terry Durack is looking for that extra hidden unexpected element.

The decision will come down to four elements.  Kitchen performance, presentation, taste and fit to the menu/chef’s philosophy.

We learn from Alana that she would like to go straight through to the finale and know that her position is secured.  Who would have thought it?

There is time for some final feedback from the judges before the decision:

Alana was nervous and missed the mark in terms of technical sophistication.

Michael could have been faster but he listened to the chef.

Kate needed guidance and her dish needed tweaking.  But her desert was wow!  Her ice-cream was impossibly smooth and her dish looked like it could snuggle down in a blanket like a puppy and go to sleep there!  Is this a polite way of saying her dish was a dog?

Well not a complete dog anyway.  Alana is first to elimination.  The big drawn out tension build up starts.  We get ready to put the kettle on.  But a huge shock.  Michael has been announced the winner!  Before an ad break!  He’s hopping around like a madman. Straight into the finale.  It’s the happiest day of his life. We don’t get to hear what happened to his boat.

Laugh, Eat, Live

Returning to the Masterchef Kitchen after Monday’s Terrine Tragedy offers our remaining four contestants an “incredible opportunity for redemption.”  But as usual we begin in the Masterchef House before dawn.  The lights come on and our contestants take down and pack their photo’s of loved ones before donning the black aprons which signify an elimination challenge.

Dani sums up their feelings – “it’s going to be a tough day.”  This is confirmed by Matt Preston in the Masterchef Kitchen – “the black aprons say it all.  It’s going to be a dark day.”

The judges want to know the contestants stories (as if they haven’t seen enough  back-stories by now).  The challenge is a Food Autobiography.  To cook three dishes that tell the story of your life – your childhood, formative years, and where you are now.

Michael thinks this is going to be quite hard.  Looking down at his stomach he tells us – “there’s lots of stories there”.  Well we had noticed he’s certainly porked up a bit since moving into the Masterchef House. 

Three dishes, three hours and an open pantry.  But as the voiceover warns us “amongst incredible dishes lurks disaster!”

The cooking commences.

Alana is making a yabbie salad, smoked lamb cutlets and a chocolate desert.  Sounds familiar.  We’ve seen variations of these before.  But this time she promises they will be “restaurant quality.” The lamb cutlets will also have a middle eastern accompaniment.  Perhaps she grew up in Beirut?

Dani it appears grew up in a suburban chinese restaurant (from the 1970’s).  She will be cooking a corn and crab soup.  Another one of her pork and scallop Asian dishes and that most demanding of deserts – a banana fritter and ice-cream.

Michael is going long on proteins.  He plans a duck dish, a big plate of pork (three little piggies) and to finish some fish and chips.

Finally Kate is doing a smoked trout salad, a spiced pumpkin tortellini with prawns and a caramelised white chocolate desert.

Time for the spontaneous walkabout  by the judges.  A long discussion ensues with Michael who appears to be planning to cook every possible cut and breed of pork.  With a beautiful suckling pig wonder Matt Moran and Gary why would you bother with the belly of an older porker?  This has Michael feeling confused as he admits he’s “not really in the zone today.”

Kate’s first attempt at her verjuice jelly is too rubbery.  She has time to try again which fortunately works perfectly.

Dani tells us her corn soup will be a veloute.  Whilst Michael is cooking his duck sous-vide.  Perhaps they are hoping for bonus points for fancy French terms.  They must have already forgotten yesterday’s farce.

Michael is happy with his duck which he thinks is cooked perfectly.  Whereas Dani knows that her banana fritters have to be cooked perfectly.  Given the last time StKildaFlaneur ate banana fritters they were cooked by a 12 year old girl in a family run food hut in a small rural village in Laos we think she may be right.

Time is fast running out, but there is time enough for some more Dani disasters.  She wonders why she has left everything to the last minute?  Her oil isn’t hot enough and she can’t get her icecream out of the cooking pail.  Still she manages to plate up…more or less.  Michael is also in a spot of bother.  His three little piggies have become two little piggies.

Time for tasting.

Alana reminds us that “staying in the competition means everything at this point.”  Her Yabbies are beautifully sweet but Matt Preston worries that her entrée is “too busy.”  The lamb cutlet is pronounced “textbook” and Gary is salivating over her chocolate mousse which Matt Moran concurs is “hard to beat.”

Michael admits he hasn’t had a good day.  First up is his Two Little Piggies.  Matt Preston makes an astute observation, reminding us why he’s one of Australia’s leading food critics, noting “it’s all about the pork.”  For Gary though it’s a “winner, absolute winner.”  Less successful is his duck which receives a mixed reception.  The final dish is fish and chips with mushy peas and a lemon sauce, which Matt Moran thinks tastes like a lemon curd tart.  Looks like Michael made a desert after all.  Gary is similarly unimpressed pronouncing the sauce disastrous and horrible.

Kate is next up.  The two Matts sum up her smoked trout as “wow what a great dish,” her stuffed prawns as “a cracking dish” and her ice-cream sandwich is “an absolute knockout.”

We think Kate and Alana must be safe. 

Dani gets off to a bad start as Matt Preston observes her dishes don’t look very good.  But will they taste delicious?  Not the corn soup.  It’s been cooked too long and the crab meat is not delicate.  The pork belly and scallops are pronounced a great combination.  It all comes down to the desert.  A solitary pale banana fritter lying in the shadow of a giant pail of ice-cream.  The flavour combination is good (who would have thought it – banana fritters and ice-cream?) but unfortunately Gary notes that the ice-cream is far from successful.

The four contestants reassemble.  Alana is on the edge of tears.  We are reminded that “for one of you the dream is about to end”  As the audience leans forward on the edges of their collective seats…the screen bursts into flames – and we have time for a cup of tea.

To no great surprise Alana and Kate are pronounced safe….and Dani’s out!  She doesn’t think her dream is over, but at least one facebook page is now defunct and the Masterchef Cookbook publisher can breathe a big sigh of relief.

Dani will surely be missed.  But fear not.  Her website has now been launched www.danivenn.com  laugh, eat, live.

Masterchef Serves Up An Undercooked Dish of Farce

“You’ve entered the dangerzone and are only one step away from disaster.  If ever there was a time to pull out the stops it’s now.”  This is the voiceover introducing the first elimination challenge of Finals Week.

As we recall Michael has a huge advantage having tasted todays dish and received the recipe to study overnight.  However Michael is taking no chances.  Late last night he slyly left a few cake tins in the Masterchef House sink together with a de-zested lemon and for good measure half a packet of flour in the bin.  The girls seem to have fallen for this artful piece of deception.  They are now expecting Adriano Zumbo and a desert challenge.

As ever our judges are waiting at the front.  Matt Preston has really pulled out the stops himself.  He is adorned in an emerald green corduroy jacket and a nauseating paisley shirt.  George not wanting to be outdone is wearing a blue blazer with a grey v-neck jumper.  For some reason his white shirt is untucked and looking more like an Egyptian gallibaya.  Perhaps this is in homage to the start of Ramadan?

Gary welcomes “four of the best cooks ever on Masterchef” and even manages to keep a straight face!  No mean achievement, given the standards of the current series.

Maggie Beer appears to introduce the Pressure Test and Kate realises the girls have been tricked.  Michael manages without too much difficulty to look smug.

The dish is chicken terrine.  Maggie demonstrates the presentation – farce / breast / farce / breast and the tricky bit, wrapping it in the freshly removed skin of a chicken.  No one bothers to mention that “farce” is in fact a fancy French word for stuffing.  The pressure mounts as Matt informs the contestants that they will only be allowed a single chicken.

Cooking and resting time for the terrine is 1 hour and 45 minutes.  Total time allowed will be 2 hours and 15 minutes. 

They get down to skinning their chickens.  The girls approach it delicately, with the care of a plastic surgeon.  Michael is confident.   After all he’s skinned a chicken before.  He knows you can be a little bit rough with it.

Time is going to be a problem.  Kate’s entered the dangerzone.  She’s also under the pump.

Dani true to form has left the walnuts out of her walnut bread.  It can’t be easy finding new stupid mistakes every challenge, but she appears up to the task.

We see a lot of thermometers as contestants will the temperature of their terrines to get up to the magic 57 degree mark.  Michael is first to achieve this followed by Alana.  Will there be enough resting time left for the dish to cook through?  Michael decides to put his terrine back in the oven.  He tells us he’s “walking a very thin tightrope.”  We think he should instead concentrate on getting his chicken cooked.

Time’s up as George gleefully announces it’s “terrine terror time.”

Kate is up first.  Raw in the middle.   A disaster.  Gary solemnly announces he won’t me eating it and warns George to be careful as he takes a big sniff.  At least the shallots were yum.

Alana is up next.  It’s do or die with so much riding on this.  George takes another big sniff.  Alas it is also undercooked.  Maggie bravely tastes the bits that are cooked and both she and George conclude that it looks beautiful.

Dani presents her dish, sans walnut bread accompaniment.  Her terrine is not servable, but she had the best figs so far.

Finally up is Michael.  He is concerned that if it is not cooked in the middle he will have egg on his face, although if he followed the recipe he would in fact have farce on his face.  Maggie notes from the lusciousness of the skin it looks like it is cooked more.  It is at least edible as all the judges taste. However sadly they conclude it’s also not cooked.  One step ahead announces Maggie.

Decision time.  We recall the words of Gary at the start of the show. “By the end of today two of you will be heading into an elimination, and from there one you will be going home.”

This looks pretty straightforward.  Michael and Alana’s terrines were at least partially edible.  Surely it will be Dani and Kate in the elimination with the worst dishes of the day.

We get to watch the judges deliberations.  Given the raw terrine should they judge the garnishes?  But they have to judge the King of the dish.  Gary is feeling the weight of responsibility to make the right decision.  They liked Kate’s shallots and Dani’s figs, but she had no bread.  Alana’s presentation was nice and Michaels bread was delicious.

We discover that the recipe was tested 15 times and an additional 30 minutes was allowed.  Still none of the remaining top 4 contestants managed to complete the dish.  There can therefore only be one decision……..  The completion is over.  Everyone is eliminated. In order to maintain the credibility of the esteemed title of Australian Masterchef this year there will be no winner. 

But no, we know this cannot be.  Instead everyone will compete in tomorrow’s elimination.

Never mind the raw chicken.  We’ve certainly been served up plenty of farce!

Dani - I Was Never Very Good At Maths!

I’d travelled 7,619 km to be back in front of my big screen TV for “Finals Week” so my expectations were high.

During my eight weeks of peregrination the number of contestants had been reduced from eighteen to a final four.

We join Kate, Dani, Alana and Michael in the Masterchef House copying recipes into notebooks.  Surely after all this time they still don’t need recipes?   After all, the winner will be rewarded with their very own cook book deal.

Arriving at the Masterchef Kitchen its hugs all round as we note that nothing is set up for cooking.  Instead we meet the first of the promised special guests from the Masterchef Family who will be participating in Finals Week.

It is Curtis Stone.  Dani can’t believe her eyes.   He is indeed “famous”, but for what exactly?  He has no restaurant, nor a TV show.  Instead he is the TV spruiker for Coles supermarket where you can “shop where the Masterchef’s shop” – at least when the TV camera’s are rolling.

Today’s challenge appears simple enough.  Design a recipe that can be cooked by a home chef within 90 minutes.   Helpful advice follows from Curtis.  The recipe has to be specific, clear, concise and to the point.  It has to be accurate and it has to work.  Helpful advice indeed.  No wonder he gets to design $10 recipes for families of four  which appear in the weekly specials catalogue.

The contestants are sent home to test and write up their recipes.  Tomorrow their food will be photographed and the recipes put to the test by home chefs.

All too soon we are back in the Masterchef Kitchen.  The home chefs are introduced and instructed to follow the recipes exactly.  There will be no elimination today, but we are told the winner will get a big advantage for tomorrow night.

It quickly becomes apparent there are some serious problems with some of these recipes.  Particularly Dani’s.  Her dish is an Asian Noodle Soup With Pork Belly.  After prepping the pork the recipe instructs cooking for 70 minutes, resting for 10-20 minutes and then cooking for a further 20 minutes.  Let’s see …that adds up to 100 – 110 minutes plus prep time.  Doesn’t look like there will be much pork in the dish at the end of 90 minutes.  There will however be plenty of soup.  Her recipe calls for four litres of water.  Oops…. It should have been only two litres.  As Dani laughingly explains she isn’t very good at maths!

At this point we consider turning off and instead joining the Facebook page set up by one of Dani’s numerous followers:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/If-Dani-Venn-wins-Masterchef-2011-Im-not-buying-her-fucking-cookbook/177872168945543

We tend to agree.  Should the unthinkable happen and “Legohead” win, we don’t think too many of her cookbooks will be found under the Christmas tree this year.

The other contestants have difficulties of varying degrees and Michael wins.  It’s all a bit of a yawn, intended to pad the series out for another episode.  At least Michael got to meet Maggi in the pantry and be given the recipe for tomorrow’s challenge, where thankfully it will be back to serious business.

Perambulation Diem #24

There are occasions when StKildaFlaneur misses the world of banking

Engerland..Engerland..Engerland!

Vang Vieng, located in Laos' Vientiane prefecture is blessed by nature with a commanding position on the Nam Song river overlooked by dramatic limestone cliffs. 

The real draw here though is the unique cultural nighlife, home to the (unfortunately far from endangered) Engerlander GaperYearer Backerpackerus.  Easily identifiable by its minimalist tribal costume of board shorts or bikini's (worn at all hours of the day and night), members can often found lounging in TV bars eating happy pizza's and watching endless reruns of Friends and Family Guy on big screens.

Other activities include wandering the streets in packs, armed with large bottles of Beer Lao and scaring off potential predators with loud group chant singing.

Be warned however these creatures are dangerous and should be approached with extreme caution if at all. In capturing the above images StKildaFlaneur was lucky to avoid a trademark attack - known colloquially as a "head butt."

Too Many Magic Mushrooms in Vang Vieng?

Turns out I wasn't hallucinating. It really was a weird dude riding a giant bike through the rice paddy ban's around Vang Vieng.  A long ride from Germany.

Please Note - StKildaFlaneur does not condone the use of illegal substances.

Lan Xang...Lost In Time

StKildaFlaneur is currently enjoying the delights of Lan Xang - The Land Of A Million Elephants.  Many visitors to Laos marvel at the timelessness of the country.  There is however one thing that clearly be placed in time.  The Internet.  Cast your minds back to the time of dial up - circa 1997.  Thus far it appears it's as good as it gets.  Hence we are somewhat frustrated in our ability to upload photo's or video snippets.

StKildaFlaneur therefore thanks you for your continuing support and begs your indulgence until such time as we rediscover bandwith.

In the meantime StKildaFlaneur continues to enjoy "Laos time."   In keeping with its French colonial background the people of Laos maintain traditions close to the heart of any flaneur.  As a French colonial adminstrator once observed.....

The Vietnamese grow rice.  The Cambodians watch rice grow.  In Laos they listen to rice grow.

Inside The Office Of StKildaFlaneur

Today finds StKildaFlaneur hard at work amid stream on the Thai Burma border.  Mae Sai to the left of me.  Tachileik to the right.  Here I am stuck in the middle..... of the Nam Sai river.

In Search Of Blah Beuk...The Giant Mekong Catfish

And our search goes on

Perambulation Diem #23

Off With Their Heads!



Aah.. Here They Are





Oh My God!....Sinéad?



Perambulation Diem #22

Nid Noi Mai Sabai

Perambulation Diem #21



How Soon We Forget - Phrae



Perambulation Diem #20



Walking Street - Lampang



Perambulation Diem #18

French Fried

5***** Tour Of Sukhumvit Historical Park

Faster Driver Faster!

Perambulation Diem #17



Nam Prik



Perambulation Diem #16

Pla

Perambulation Diem #15

Was It Something I Said?

And Now For The Grilled Seafood

Having travelled 7,639 km for a bowl of soup it would be a shame not to sample a bit of grilled seafood while we are here.  When we left  off on our earlier blog  the boys were firing up the charcoal BBQ.  Time to take a closer look at the succulent seafood selection chosen by Khun Noy.

The sparks flying off the charcoal tell us we're almost good to go.

Fanning The Flames!

Cooking technique could not be more simple.

Nothing more to be said.  Beautiful fresh seafood such as this speaks for itself.

Bon Appetit

Lek Mak Mak Teenage Mutant Ninja's

Warning - Low Bridge Ahead!

Rush Hour - Mae Sot

Perambulation Diem #14

Closed To Heavy Traffic